The starting of the essay with a story is good. In the beginning, your writing was well close to the topic but somehow in between you lost track and your essay went haywire.
The essay asked about how a change in someone’s thought could change someone’s world. If you had quoted a few more examples to assert this statement, it would have been better.
Also, You didn’t end your essay properly. It gives it an impression of the essay being half baked. Conclusion could have been better.
Rest all are fine. Keep practising. You’ll do good. 🙂
Hi Utkarsh! Your essay is a good one. It is well organised and rich in content. It has a proper introduction and a proper conclusion. However, going through your essay I found few small errors, those being-
In the 2nd paragraph, it should be ‘peace of mind’ instead of ‘peace at mind’.
Also, the sentence ‘…… Which in turn carves our personal’ seems incomplete.
In the later paragraph when you’re talking about Nelson Mandela, it should be ‘stuck to his ideology’ rather than ‘struck’.
Overall the essay is well presented. The marks for this essay would be in the range 65-70.